The Best Parts of Me…
You can’t walk through a fire without getting the smoke. Everything from the past year has felt like it caught fire - my emotions, my spirituality, my finances, and all the things that made me feel accomplished were all of a sudden compromised, and I had to fall in love with this new version of myself. That took realizing that the best parts of me are not attached to what I am to someone else.
Putting titles like “Fiance’ (in my past), CEO & founder, and the prized grand-daughter and even MOM” on a pedestal like trophies, while my purpose for who God wants me to be was slowly slipping through the cracks.
God is amazing! He made the hardest battles appear to the outside world as a highlight reel of wins, success, and pixie fairytales. That came with isolation, because it’s hard for people to truly empathize with you while also envying your ability to keep it all together… God’s Plan.
I get super frustrated sometimes. I’ve been feeling some pressure of single motherhood, and most single moms complain about finances the most, but honestly, that bothers me the least. I have gained an understanding from other moms that the hardest part about being a single mom or the primary parent is burnout. Sometimes I just feel heavy and empty after pouring out all day, some days I feel good, but then idk if I’m just trying to be positive when I’m really fighting for my life. I really just wish I had a break without worrying about how they’re doing without me. That’s where I can say the success of positive co-parenting and structure with boundaries in that relationship with their dad in 2025 was a blessing; just that break every other weekend and not arguing with the other parent made life feel easier and stress a lot less. What I can say is that there was a silver lining, and although it still gets difficult, one thing I can attest to is that it can always get better.
I have always known I was different. I’ve done well at anything I’ve put my heart into, even pulling off having the twins was a miracle. After my last relationship failed, and this isn’t the part where I point fingers and guns start blazing. I honestly could see how being the provider for a finance and two baby girls with special needs could’ve triggered a man to high stress and anxiety; also, with respect to his perspective, just unhappiness. However, I also don’t think it was understood how important that role was, and at the end of the day, as a mom, I didn’t have it in me to leave or walk away, and as growing little girls I feel that having my presence consistently, the same as they always had, if not more; anything less would’ve been unfair to them. While overcoming that, there are times when I feel like I’m failing them as a single mom. The guilt of feeling like they just deserve more, and it’s two of them, and one of me, I’m constantly outnumbered. I just hope that one day I can give my little girls a chance to see their mom be loved and supported, because that does make a difference in how a mother is able to show up, and deep down I know that love is in the future for me and my girls; they will see their mom loved for the best parts of me!